trichotillomania

sucks.

Til next year!

Welllllll.... I haven't much to say. I haven't journaled much since i've been home. I was making presents and things so I havent actually made anything for volume two. However, I got a quill pen set for christmas so I've been writing in my journal with those. I enjoy my pens. They are fun. I got purple ink too. And today I bought a big Marie Antoinette-like feather that I taped to my pen. That was fun too. I also got one of those little worm things that magically crawl on your hands and such. I haven't named it yet but he/she has proved to be pretty entertaining. I've wanted one since I went to the Southern Christmas show in like 4th grade, of course I wasn't about to tell everyone that. Speaking of wanting something since the fourth grade, I've been working on my juggling. Eventually, I might get somewhere with them. I'm better than the average Joe, but not smart enough to figure out tricks from the Stixguru video that I have. I've figured out like 3 of the 298742098375 tricks this guy can do. It's all good though, that's three tricks I didn't know before!

There's that whole New Years resolution thing that comes about this time every year. Mine is always the same. Stop bitting my fingernails. That lasts for a few days and then I say I'll stop for Lent and then I end up praying for forgiveness. My other resolution is to get into college and obtain insane amounts of money in the form of scholarships. Another resolution is to keep myself from becoming a prostitute if the latter resolution is not achieved. I would love to make some sort of devilstick resolution or a guitar resolution but I'm not going to stress myself out about that. Second to last resolution, stay single. That won't be hard considering I have no desires for a relationship. (Unless it's a Rush of Fools-esque boy. tee-hee). Last resolution, will not be shared here. It's not really a resolution anyway. But to end on a good note, I'm going to a New Years Party and that makes me happy. I go to the same one every year, but I love it (which is why I keep going) and it's never the same which keeps it from being boring. But even if it was always the same, I would still go. because I love it. STOP BABBLING!!!!!!! RAWR!

In other news, I'm going to Holy Angels on Friday! YAY!!! Happiness =]

The items on the right are the some of gifts I received for Christmas! One thing that is missing is the book Painted Prayers by Jody Uttal. It's probably one of the best books I have now!! It's totally wonderful, kinda like the person who gave me the book. =]

my room is a wreck =]

It's perfectly okay that my room is messed up because my roommate is absent. We haven't seen each other in a week and a half. I make BIG MESS IN ROOM. I raided a new pile o' magazines yesterday. I stayed in the floor roughly from 3pm to 1am. That's right. I should have been doing other things. Like say, the things I should be doing now but I didn't want to. I took the SAT yesterday morning. I believe when you take the SAT you can do whatever you well please the rest of the day. I wanted to cut up magazines. so I did. Kat also joined me. I've eaten an entire sleeve of saltine crackers in 24 hours. But that's pretty much all I've eaten so I doubt that it really matters. I'm about to drink some Fuze too. There are a bunch of fuze bottles rolling around in my floor. Some are empty, some are full... Why am I writing this?? I should be working on my Humanities paper. Well here is a page from my journal from last week. I thought it was pretty obvious in it's meaning, but after showing it to a few people, I learned otherwise... I finished scanning my first journal today. Thirty-three collages/paintings in two months. i win. =]

I did what?

I finished my journal last night. As in I filled up all the pages. I've never finished a journal before. When I was little people would always give me diaries and either wrote for 3 days in it or my mom used them for phone messages and grocery lists. Part of me wishes I would have written in them, but better late than never right? I wonder how long I will carry around volume 1 before I just keep volume 2 with me. I went out today and bought volume 2. It looks so weird. I wasn't even sure it was the same sketchbook that volume 1 was. It looks so naked. I'm going to go work on the cover of it after I finish this.

I'm going to Holy Angels tomorrow and the convent. I'm very excited. =]

Creatively and spiritually productive. not so much for all that other stuff.

This weekend, I completed 6 pages of my journal. They are all very lovely. SEE? <----

I made an especially awesome one of Obama, but it won't be on here until after Thanksgiving. I want to give the cool people copies before I release it to the world. Not like people read this, but it might get on google it or something. Plus I want to mail it to Obama too. I think he will like it.

I'm very proud of my suitie MAnne because she did a journal page this weekend too!

I wonder how much it would bug my roomie if I just turned our room into a journal room on the weekends. I would clean it up...

Obama =]

Journal party tonight with Kat and Jessieh!!! Hosted in my room this time! I did two pages and now I'm working on a third. I'm contemplating posting one of my works from tonight. I used 20 pages in my journal for the month of October! I might need a new journal before the new year! That's really exciting!!!

It's quite possible I could make my new journal cover with my favorite person in the world. We are looking into having a journal party of our own. It will be wonderful.

Application Status: Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope there's a big ice cream cone waiting for me.

I really want a scanner for Christmas or my birthday. A nice one. Like the one in the library at school.

My butt [[which reminds me of today in English when Patrick mouthed a nice little phrase to me to which i responded, very loudly, "Oh just because I won't massage your butt??" a lovely moment really.]] is falling asleep and I'm tired of sitting with my back halfway on the fridge. Time for a break and then back to JOURNALING!!! =]=]=]

Drinking fuze from a skull goblet...

Oh my. what to do? No rehearsal. Journal. Its been a few days since my last creative pages and I feel the need to cut and paste and paint and be creative again.

I'm almost through with a wonderful book. I've found my tribe. It's wonderful.

One of my recent pages is a favorite now. I really like it. I'll share it here and hope it doesn't end up on google or something weird. Some kid passing it off as theirs. How lame...



In other, but completely related, news, I want to go to Appalachian State University. The end. I don't care if Clemson has offered me $10,000. My mental state is more important to me than my post graduate financial state. App State=Happy Clemson=Sad.

Oh boy, newsboys on my Zune. =]

CH-CH-CHANGES

My old posts

I did some cleaning around the ol' blog. Took out some stuff and read my old posts. I'm kinda funny when I'm mad or frustrated. I read something I didn't want to read today, not on my blog, somewhere else. It makes me wonder....But I'm not going to get into it. I know where I stand, and I'm standing strong. I AM NOT ASHAMED TO SPEAK THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST!! Here's a lovely song [another one if you caught that last line] by my favorite boyz. The lyrics might be slightly off because I just got them off of a webpage. but you get the picture.

You don't understand
this is not what you think it is
You don't get it, man
you want to boil it down to show biz
Your in depth research shows:
drop the God, emphasize the beat
I've heard that positive pop you dig--
I'd rather be buried in wet concrete
Take back your free advice
I don't accept
I will not play those games
God is not a secret to be kept
God is not a secret to be kept

You don't understand
I'm not talking multiple choice
You don't get it, man
if the cross offends you, find another voice
I am not running for office here
I won't keep it purposefully vague
I've heard New Age Life-force trip
I'd rather be dipped in bubonic plague

Take back your free advice
I don't accept
I will not play those games
God is not a secret to be kept
God is not a secret to be kept

Faith ain't easy to understand
When a bird in the bush beats two in the hand
The truth ain't nothin' you taste and hide
You gotta get up, put up, get off your backside
x2

If we keep silent
If we mass defect
These very rocks will scream
God is not a secret to be kept
God is not a secret to be kept

And would I wash my hands again?
Would I deny my savior when
he hung inside the public square?
Did not my silence put him there?
----------------------------------


I'm homesick. It's not for my house or for school. It's Holy Angels! SURPRISE! I can't wait to go back. Whenever that will be. Most definitely next extended weekend. But maybe even in a few weeks when we go to the convent. =]

The first two weeks.

I believe it is time for me to sit and write a blog. As a part of my productive procrastination program [ppp], I consider posting this appropriate. [notice my alliteration].

I have survived the first two weeks of my senior year at SCGSAH. I think I can survive the rest of the year. A bunch happened over these past two weeks, which is probably why part of me thinks I've been in school for 6 weeks instead of just two. Things that happened, in what ever order they come to me in because I don't think very well chronologically. Also, somewhat vague:

-I missed Holy Angels like I can't even begin to describe. I especially missed Amy and Gaye. I have Amy's artwork and pictures from this summer at Holy Angels on my wall next to my desk. But even if those pictures weren't there, I would still think about it constantly. I've never missed something this much before. And I'm still missing it as I type this. I didn't even miss school this much when I came home this summer. Thank goodness for cell phones, email and Facebook because Gaye is my favorite person ever and I get really sad when I can't talk to her. All this missing of Holy Angels proves how much I need to be there... I better stop on this subject, I'll start crying. [[Just like I did when I shared my summer in class]]
-I was cast as Sister James in "Doubt" by John Patrick Shanley. My dream role (besides the ever common elphaba and then of course there is sylvia. but i play sylvia everyday) . I love "Doubt" and I loved seeing it a year or so ago in Charlotte with Cherry Jones. And my lovely Sisters of Mercy are so very very happy that I will be a nun, even if it's temporary. I wanted the role so badly!!! I'm taking Alex, Daisy and possibly Kyndra to the convent to meet with the sisters. [and we can visit holy angels!!!]
-Our school experienced a tragedy that I never imagined would happen. I'm praying for his family and friends. I'm going to leave it at that because I'm really not wanting to get into it.
-Something was patched up. I hope.
-My brother called me, just me, just to talk.
-I told Mr. Day I wanted to go to college for Creative Arts Therapy and I didn't plan on going to Chicago. He told me to keep my options open. I still don't want to go to Chicago. It might be a lot of fun, but I can have fun at school and save $1000. [maybe i can take a college day to queens but really spend most of the day at holy angels!!]
-I met some potentially awesome kids at school who started a youth group. I say potentially because I don't know them yet. =]=]=]
-I got up one morning and went to Sunshine club to practice my guitar. My fingers almost went on strike after that. I better tell Amy when I see her again.
-I played football for the first time. It was fun but don't think I'm actually going to watch it on TV or something. I still have no idea why I ran after Michael and attacked him, but apparently it was the right thing to do.
-I bought tickets to the What Life Would Be Like: Rush of Fools/Big Daddy Weave tour. Amy is coming with me. It's going to to be flipping awesome.
- I found my twin sister from a parallel universe. Brittany is pretty cool. She taught me how to make bassoon reeds and I introduced her to newsboys, ROF and idina menzel. We both have a freckle on the palm of our right hand. We love Autism: The Musical and are hopefully going to the Autism walk together covered in sharpie puzzle pieces. She wants to do special education/music therapy. And I didn't have to explain snoezelen to her. It's pretty awesome. I want her to come Holy Angels with me. She knew about Holy Angels too!
-I went to O-cha. It was amazing of course.
-Neha and I took a legal trip to Publix and Staples and we played Bombay dreams as we walked. It was really fun. I got paper clips shaped like guitars and some chocolate soy milk. Neha got sushi and easy mac. She also experienced how fast Jimmy John's can make a sandwich.
-The cafeteria is not so good this year. I've been satisfied with about 3 meals so far. That's only one day of food if you think about it. All the more reason to have Publix in our walking bounds now. I see much microwave noodle in future. Comment card: STOP PUTTING BELL PEPPERS IN EVERYTHING! AHHHHHHHHHHHH. Barbra preached to me about taking chocolate milk out of the cafeteria. I really want to tell her that the handbook also states the food in the cafeteria is suposed to be INVITING. I feel more invited to go sit under the stairs and eat toothpaste some nights. My toothpaste did have more color than the hot line one night. Everything was white. I use the ever colorful aquafresh. And no, bell peppers do NOT count as color.
-CATS CATS CATS. One of my favorite people is leading CATS this year. Mrs. Tromsness is totally amazing and totally heading CATS. I'm probably going to be the CATS PR. WOOO! YAY SPIRIT! And I'm trying to get a trip to Holy Angels going.
-Julie Stanchek left for a new job and that makes me really sad. Ron will still be there but its not going to be the same without Julie. I did however, win her guessing contest and came out with roughly 350 hershey kisses!
-AP Lit is going to be awesome. I'm really hoping we can cure my inability to write an essay. I know Dr. Thomas will help me. She has faith in me. YAY FAITH. I gotta warn her she is starting to compete for the favorite teacher spot. Of course, no one can ever top Mrs. Walters but Dr. Thomas is getting up there.
-I might do well in French. I think I actually studied and did well on the first friday quiz.
-B Days rock- I get out of class at 1pm.
-There was a tornado warning on tuesday during Humanitites. Cory and I held onto each other in the VA basement away from the rest of the class because we are both really afraid of tornados. I loved having someone to panic with me for once. Usually it's just me going nuts and everyone laughing at me in the fetal position under my desk, which is what I did before we were told to go to the basement. There werent any tornados in Greenville thank goodness. Holy Angels got a little tramatized by the storm. that made me sad, but did give harry something to do at work!
- I forgot to pack my bookbags and so my mom had to mail them to me. And Loyd sent me a letter in an Ebenezer Grill envelope.
-I made a new email address. It's pure genious but I'm not sharing it here. It does have to do with Tina Fey.
-Neha is really super obsessed with Obama. It's a little scary but totally hilarious! I got some of it on video as proof.
-The RLC's are way to strict this year when it comes to room cerfew. I enjoy the relax room inspection this year but no leaving my room after 10:30pm? NOT COOL!
- I came up with a really cool idea for a tatoo. If I ever pull it off, it will be amazing!
-The finance guy who calls me Tina Fey is letting me borrow his first season of 30rock . i really need to learn his name. He's one of those people I just can never remember his name!!! and it makes me feel really bad!
- I found a bunch of people who like/love newsboys, including Dr. Thomas, Dan the security guy and a several students.
-I actually wrote a page or two in my journal and taped some stuff in it. go me!

i cant think of anything more. its only taken me about an hour and half to write all this. yay for self because i actually wrote it. woooo. time to go to bed because I have to go to church in the morning. and the clock on blogger is an hour behind. its really almost midnight. wow, a lot happened in two weeks! =]=]=]

ps. today i picked up a copy of catholicism for dummies, a book of praise songs, a copy of doubt for the sisters and the people magazine with ellen degeneres' wedding pictures [[which is probably the sweetest thing ever]]. i also got my hair cut at great clips. they were giving away free camp rock/hannah montana posters with each kid's haircut. I'm glad I'm not considered a kid. I would have had myself a mini bonfire tonight. which would have been freakishly rained out by the thunderstorm we had with the sun still out.

Best summer ever!

This has definitely been the best summer I’ve ever had. I’m too distracted to write because I have to move in on Sunday and I’m watching the Olympics. I wrote a great blog in my head driving home tonight but I don’t think I can concentrate to write it. Well, if I’m unable to sleep tonight, I’ll write it. Chances are tomorrow night I will write it. Because I really won’t be able to sleep tomorrow.

SUMMER UPDATE

THIS SUMMER IS GOING TO BE THE BEST EVER.

Volunteering is too awesome for words.

Work is not bringing in the money because i was freakin lied to. but thats okay. I already have a job offer for next summer and i've had the offer for the past 3 summers i just havent been 18 yet. YAY CONNECTIONS!

BUT HERES THE UPDATE:

SATURDAY-NEWSBOYS in concert. YEAHHHHHHHH. I've been waiting for years for this opportunity!!! and its here!!! I'm ready to rock out with Jesus.


JULY 21- IDINA MENZEL IN CONCERT!!!!!!!! Hello! I'm buying depends for when i wet myself.

Now I have to clean so my mom will put money into my account. Then I'm laying out which i do not like but i need a little color. =]

Advice

Be careful when choosing your running mate.
You might make old people mad.

Keep Breathing

As I drove home from Honk Jr. today I decided I needed to work on being. This was probably sparked by the song that was playing and the fact that it was beautiful outside. The sky was turning purply-pink [if thats a color] and the moon was just a sliver in a part of the sky that was more blue than purple. And it wasn't too hot. Of course I had my windows down because I hate AC, it bugs me and it makes me feel synthetic. So I slowed down to 35mph, hoping no one would be behind me, and actually looked out the windows at "the middle of no where" which really is somewhere, its just a little more forgotten and a little less seen than other places. And it was a very beautiful time. Just me, Boq [[my car]], Ingrid Michaelson and the landscape at 10 under the speed limit on a road I could [[and sometimes do]] go 10 or more over on.

And for a second or two, I was. just was.

HOLY COW ITS SUMMER ALREADY!!!!!!

This summer is going to be amazing.
So I probably won’t write a lot during it.

I have a bunch of things to say spinning in my head but I don’t feel like typing it all out. So here are the reasons this summer is going to be awesome so I won’t have to write about it later. Haha. I may add to it later… but maybe I won’t.

Holy Angels- I’m a volunTEEN, which means I volunteer but I’m not 18 so I can’t do as much. However, that doesn’t stop it from being amazingly awesome. I’m working with the creative arts therapist who also does horticulture therapy [[yay for the greenhouse and organic garden!!]]. Today was my first day and I know it’s going to be one of the best, if not THE BEST part of my summer. Too bad I can’t go more than two days a week!

Carolina Cross Connection- Must I say more? No doubt it’s going to be totally sweet, because besides getting to play with POWERTOOLS I get to see miracles happen every single day. YAY FOR JESUS!! I love CCC. It makes my summer man. And this year, I’m taking my Rush of Fools song book and getting someone to play songs for me. Hopefully someone can play guitar this year.

Honk Jr. - For the next two weeks, I’m a SUPER techie!! WOOO!! I’ve already made a few costumes, aka being attacked by spray paint, hot glue and feathers, been deemed Prop Master, and made 3 out of 5 chicken wire egg frame things [[and will finish them tomorrow with papier-mâché ]]. I will also be doing a few characters’ make-up and Mr. C has threatened to put me on a board in the booth. I’m going to fight against that one. After SCTA, I have no desire to be in the booth, thank you.

The Beach- It is going to be FUN FUN FUN!!! My parents have agreed to let my best-est friend come to the beach with me. That was a great feat for my mother (whose idea it was for him to join us and the one who did the convincing while I was off at school and at the convent) considering my best friend is of the male persuasion and my step-dad thinks we are dating (having him as my prom date didn’t help that belief). So Rocstar and SUPERbettie will be adventuring at the beach of the isle of the ocean and it’s gonna be awesome. My step brother is also sneaking in his and his girlfriend’s dog. YAY!


And now I’ve gotten distracted…blah blah blah. So I might add to this later. But I don’t know if I will or not…

Other good things: YMCA=Zumba, Pilates, Aerobics, and other fun things to do... Fastweb=Scholarships [[i can take a picture of my shoes for one...]] Riverside=Shakespeare=Reading=Finding monologues, New Cell phone, Rainbows, Making keychains and stuff, on yeah...

A JOB. i know i'm washing dishes on saturdays, but the other days, that is yet to come. boo.

Some guys are actually good guys!

This was made over spring break.


You cant read it very well.
It says:
Entitles: The hating of any guy that she comes in contact with who deserves to be hated.

Guys excluded from hating: Rocco T, Martin P, Purvis C, M. Sturkie, Dustin S, Michael A and Elizabeth's cousins. Other males may earn their exclusion by means of a series of very intensive rehabilitaion courses designed and supervised by Elizabeth Abowd herself.

Expires when the entire male race can earn hatred exclusion.

Interpretation and then I just went on a rampage! [[i didnt go back and edit it either]]

April 3, 2008
Maybe I just hate ideas. I don’t know. Interpretation. I don’t like that word most of the time. Especially when it’s say, for a grade. How does so and so interpret this concept says the question. I don’t know, ask them! The answer I give is simply my own interpretation of the work that will be graded by a person who may have a different interpretation thus my grade will be judged on how my interpretation in interpreted. Which if you ask me, is unfair because someone else could interpret my answer differently and also interpret the work which the question is about differently. And then, there are the questions that ask for your opinion. I hate those because it doesn’t matter what your opinion is as long as the grammar is right and you appear to know what you are talking about. And then you are going to be told that your content is wrong or you haven’t thought through your opinions enough. Sometimes I’d rather not explain every aspect of my opinion. Why? Because someone will get offended because maybe I interpreted the subject wrong. How dare I think that a classic author is bad! I’m sorry, but I cannot like everything just because GREAT AMERICAN WRITER is stamped across the cover of the book. It wasn’t difficult to read, the topic just proved to be boring. And because I say that I obviously have no appreciation for true aspects of human life. Well, shame on me for not loving everything I come in contact with.

I often get in “trouble” for voicing my opinion. This has only really embarrassed me one time and I’d rather not go into it, but I will say I was just frustrated and uneducated. But that’s not the point. The thing is, 95% of the time I don’t agree with people if I don’t actually agree with them. I chose to abstain from sex until marriage. Call me a prude fine but I have a list of reasons why I’ve chosen this path in life. It’s more than just my mommy told me and the Bible says honor your body. I’ll write a blog on that later. So a person decides to be like “Waiting until marriage is stupid. I wanna get laid.” And everyone agrees because how dare you disagree with this person. And I think to myself, well that’s one person I won’t date, have fun getting the clap pal. And then I say, “Well I’m waiting” as I flash my ring (which I chose for myself, my mom simply helped financially) and then I get the “Oh such a good girl” and I say well actually [insert reason here]. So half of the people standing there don’t like my views, I don’t care. Then later one of them will be like “I feel that way too.” Thanks. I’ll admit, in my past I’ve bashed a few things in the wrong way, mostly sports, but I’ll put my opinion out there for that since I’m on a bit of a rampage right now and I’m really not on topic but I really am. Sports anger me. Professional sports/high school sports/ college sports. Basically the ones that get lots and lots of attention. Why are athletes paid so much? I mean I’m sure some of them aren’t paid much but the big NFL guys I see on TV have too much for their own good. And they get paid for what? Playing a game that millions of kids play every day. Except its different because people flock to see them play and each time they touch the ball they get a new addition added onto their already oversized house. And then you think, but gosh, you are an artist. Getting paid to imitate humans. Like being in a film is so hard. Well actually, some of those celebrities shouldn’t be paid to be in movies and actually I think many of the movies today are completely lacking in any meaning anyways. But that’s another blog. And art and sports are different. Art can change lives by being art. Football changes lives when the quarterback decides to give the loose change he found in his 15 person diamond encrusted leather couch to a charity. Okay so I’ve reached the point where my middle school days of being an angry artist come out and starts being close minded. I will tell you however that I have many opinions about each side that I agree and disagree with. Which fits perfectly with the preliminary intention of this blog. That there are too many opinion/interpretations in this world and authors should just dissect their own works and compose answer guides for teachers on how to grade that quote from page 234 that has to do with an opinion of life’s desires.

I dont know when I wrote this.

BREATHE

I have to start breathing more. Listening and paying attention to my body. Things that I do that I don’t even realize. Can I stay still? That’s a challenge. If it’s nice out on Friday or Saturday, I’ll see if I can stay in the same spot for an hour in the park. I don’t know if I can or not. What will happen if I do? I don’t know. I left my devil sticks in Michigan. Uncle Peter is mailing them to me but I doubt they will get here by the weekend. I like juggling because I move and I have to concentrate the whole time. It’s the one thing I have that I’m not afraid of doing wrong. Why? Because I haven’t found anyone to really tell me it’s wrong yet. I’m my own judge. So I can do about four tricks and that’s okay with me. I can still work on the basic moves. I’ll watch the DVD I got for Christmas with them eventually.

I’m not much of a breather. It feels weird to breathe when I think about it. Like in Danny and the Deep Blue Sea. I’m still reading that play but I really like it. The Children’s Hour is great. I’m really excited about the scene.

I found a lot of things over break that I’ve been searching for. They’re dumb things but I found them. I found this lip gloss that I’ve been searching for at Bath and Body Works. Apparently, the South Park Mall with its high class-ness, carries what I wanted. It was a bright spot in my pathetic prom dress search. No prom dress at South Park but hey, I got the lip gloss I’ve been searching for. And then[[actually the lip gloss discovery came after this…]] I’m in Babylon, [[ethnic grocery in Michigan]] and I find this chocolate that one of the cooks at the convent brought to me when I was little. I was so excited to find it because I’ve asked her about it for years and she could never remember what it was. Then I saw the box on the counter and I knew right away, kid with an orange shirt and a glass of milk! Two little triumphs for me.

Ganked!!!

So my next blogs which will appear before this one are recent blogs that I have made on Word because my internet doesnt work in my room. i'm using my roommates internet cord at the moment. im procrastinating but i dont care. i've been itching to put these up.

A Similie not for school.

It's kind of like going to a really great chinese restaurant and you order this really great entree that your friends all agree sound pretty great. And you eat it, and it's great and your friends are happy that you enjoy this entree so much. But then you start to feel weird because you feel similar to the way your mom felt one time she ate chinese. So you go home and realize that you just ate rotten dog and it makes you really mad because you made a mistake similar to what your mom did and you fell for it and so did your friends. And after you are done puking up the dog, it clogs the toilet from time to time and no matter how many times you time to flush it, it just wont go away.

Closure

Hi Jonathan. It wasn't hard at all to figure this out. I knew right away. You are the only person in the world who would say something like this to me. I do get help remember? I’m the one that tried to get you into getting help. You rejected it of course but I still go. Sundays 5:30pm. I might be quick to judge people, first impressions are big for me, but I always give them a second chance. I’m becoming friends Garrett, Caroline, Kaci, Braden, Kati, Anne, Tanya and Neha and I’ve discovered that I really like them. I regret not getting to know them better sooner. Maybe I do have a few control issues, but after months of being accused of things I never came remotely close to doing, I think anyone would. I think you forget what has happened to me in my lifetime. I’ve tried to explain it.

Confidence is a key in acting, a super-ego is not. My ego is not the size you believe it is. Succeeding after working to death and being proud of it is not thinking so highly of oneself. It’s called rejoicing in well earned success. Manipulative behavior has nothing to do with being unsuccessful in acting. In fact, it would probably work to one’s advantage. You know how hard I work for what I want. I get plenty discouraged and I doubt myself constantly. I have 11 beautiful people who can vouch for that. You didn’t get into a national tour Jonathan. No casting director would hire a 17 year old who dropped out of one of the best art schools in the country in the first semester. Your mother would not let you go. You couldn’t live by yourself in a controlled environment; there is no way you could live in the show business world by yourself. I am doing quite well in my acting classes. Mr. Murray said himself that there is an actress inside of me. I’ve come a long way. I think you know that.

It goes without saying that I remember meeting you. I’m not sorry that I met you. I’ve learned many lessons from this. My mother is afraid of me being in another relationship with a person who shares too many similarities with my dad. I am scared too because I fell for it and didn’t even realize it. I don’t plan on having a relationship anytime soon though. I love the independence. Freedom. I had such a great Valentine’s Day because I had the opportunity to show love to anyone I wanted and I didn’t have to worry about an overly suspicious jealous being breathing down my neck. I say what I want now. If I think someone is beautiful or radiant, I tell them. I’m looking for more and more out of life every day. I was inspired last weekend by a group of people I didn’t know existed until then and now I know I can be what I want to be. I will live a satisfied life. I will have to work so hard to get it but I will find my strength in Jesus and the ones around me who love me and support me. I have friends that love me for who I am. Friends that look out for me and gently pull my hand away from my head when I want so much to take my frustrations out by the roots. Friends that call me at 12:00am on my birthday just so they can be the first to wish me happy birthday, others who come into my room shortly after, jump on my bed and present me with a jar of cherries for my party, and then the ones who decorate my door late at night so I can be greeted in the morning with birthday wishes. Friends that let me curl up into a ball on their floor and laugh about something I never thought would happen. The same friends that sit in the hall with me when we should be studying and let me talk to all of the past me’s in my head about what I did. The ones that say I love you and tell me I’m beautiful and expect nothing in return. These are the people I neglected because you made me feel guilty for being with them because I wasn’t with you.

I want this to be the end. I no longer want you to try to contact us. You say that you want nothing to do with us yet you still seek our attention. You’ve gone back to hide where you were before any of us ever met. If you truly want to hide yourself, don’t contact the ones you’ve told your secrets to. And if those secrets are lies just get attention, I think it is you that needs to rethink your life, not me. I’m planning for my future now. I don’t want you to be a part of it.

The Winter Break

HEY LOOK WHAT I FOUND! I never finished it. but I enjoy it.... And at a such an interesting time to find it too. =]=]=]


So this winter break has probably been one of the best winter breaks EVER. I was able to hang out with basically everyone I wanted to and I did many really crazy things that made me happy.

As I said earlier, i started break at the convent which was pretty awesome. I spent some time in the back storage room fixing boxes of Lebanese sweets and I realized how small that room is. When i was little, i thought that place was huge. But its still scary back there, not as much as it was when i was little, but its still a little bit creepy. I still somewhat expect to see a nun in her habit pop out from behind the cases of Coca cola [[glass bottles of course]] and hit me with a giant crucifix or atleast say OOGA BOOGA! Ahh. the memories of being fed raw kibbee without my knowledge of what it was, pulling apart parsely with a few guamanian and irish nuns, eating chocolate from one of the cooks from germany, and finally being able to reach the ice cream and being able to get the lids off of the glass coke bottles. many memories in the convent kitchen.

Then of course there all the other memories. I was given a plastic fisher price bike [[with training wheels]] and I rode it around the halls and delivered messages between the sisters working in the office. I would get chocolate in Sister Mary Andrew's office, say hi to Bluey, the carved bluebird in Sister Mary Hugh's office [[a few years ago she gave Bluey to me]] and then to Sister Michel's office where I would hang around and watch her play solitare on the computer.