Closure

Hi Jonathan. It wasn't hard at all to figure this out. I knew right away. You are the only person in the world who would say something like this to me. I do get help remember? I’m the one that tried to get you into getting help. You rejected it of course but I still go. Sundays 5:30pm. I might be quick to judge people, first impressions are big for me, but I always give them a second chance. I’m becoming friends Garrett, Caroline, Kaci, Braden, Kati, Anne, Tanya and Neha and I’ve discovered that I really like them. I regret not getting to know them better sooner. Maybe I do have a few control issues, but after months of being accused of things I never came remotely close to doing, I think anyone would. I think you forget what has happened to me in my lifetime. I’ve tried to explain it.

Confidence is a key in acting, a super-ego is not. My ego is not the size you believe it is. Succeeding after working to death and being proud of it is not thinking so highly of oneself. It’s called rejoicing in well earned success. Manipulative behavior has nothing to do with being unsuccessful in acting. In fact, it would probably work to one’s advantage. You know how hard I work for what I want. I get plenty discouraged and I doubt myself constantly. I have 11 beautiful people who can vouch for that. You didn’t get into a national tour Jonathan. No casting director would hire a 17 year old who dropped out of one of the best art schools in the country in the first semester. Your mother would not let you go. You couldn’t live by yourself in a controlled environment; there is no way you could live in the show business world by yourself. I am doing quite well in my acting classes. Mr. Murray said himself that there is an actress inside of me. I’ve come a long way. I think you know that.

It goes without saying that I remember meeting you. I’m not sorry that I met you. I’ve learned many lessons from this. My mother is afraid of me being in another relationship with a person who shares too many similarities with my dad. I am scared too because I fell for it and didn’t even realize it. I don’t plan on having a relationship anytime soon though. I love the independence. Freedom. I had such a great Valentine’s Day because I had the opportunity to show love to anyone I wanted and I didn’t have to worry about an overly suspicious jealous being breathing down my neck. I say what I want now. If I think someone is beautiful or radiant, I tell them. I’m looking for more and more out of life every day. I was inspired last weekend by a group of people I didn’t know existed until then and now I know I can be what I want to be. I will live a satisfied life. I will have to work so hard to get it but I will find my strength in Jesus and the ones around me who love me and support me. I have friends that love me for who I am. Friends that look out for me and gently pull my hand away from my head when I want so much to take my frustrations out by the roots. Friends that call me at 12:00am on my birthday just so they can be the first to wish me happy birthday, others who come into my room shortly after, jump on my bed and present me with a jar of cherries for my party, and then the ones who decorate my door late at night so I can be greeted in the morning with birthday wishes. Friends that let me curl up into a ball on their floor and laugh about something I never thought would happen. The same friends that sit in the hall with me when we should be studying and let me talk to all of the past me’s in my head about what I did. The ones that say I love you and tell me I’m beautiful and expect nothing in return. These are the people I neglected because you made me feel guilty for being with them because I wasn’t with you.

I want this to be the end. I no longer want you to try to contact us. You say that you want nothing to do with us yet you still seek our attention. You’ve gone back to hide where you were before any of us ever met. If you truly want to hide yourself, don’t contact the ones you’ve told your secrets to. And if those secrets are lies just get attention, I think it is you that needs to rethink your life, not me. I’m planning for my future now. I don’t want you to be a part of it.

The Winter Break

HEY LOOK WHAT I FOUND! I never finished it. but I enjoy it.... And at a such an interesting time to find it too. =]=]=]


So this winter break has probably been one of the best winter breaks EVER. I was able to hang out with basically everyone I wanted to and I did many really crazy things that made me happy.

As I said earlier, i started break at the convent which was pretty awesome. I spent some time in the back storage room fixing boxes of Lebanese sweets and I realized how small that room is. When i was little, i thought that place was huge. But its still scary back there, not as much as it was when i was little, but its still a little bit creepy. I still somewhat expect to see a nun in her habit pop out from behind the cases of Coca cola [[glass bottles of course]] and hit me with a giant crucifix or atleast say OOGA BOOGA! Ahh. the memories of being fed raw kibbee without my knowledge of what it was, pulling apart parsely with a few guamanian and irish nuns, eating chocolate from one of the cooks from germany, and finally being able to reach the ice cream and being able to get the lids off of the glass coke bottles. many memories in the convent kitchen.

Then of course there all the other memories. I was given a plastic fisher price bike [[with training wheels]] and I rode it around the halls and delivered messages between the sisters working in the office. I would get chocolate in Sister Mary Andrew's office, say hi to Bluey, the carved bluebird in Sister Mary Hugh's office [[a few years ago she gave Bluey to me]] and then to Sister Michel's office where I would hang around and watch her play solitare on the computer.

Some random things that reflect and such

Computers are so weird. Mine just told me that connecting to the internet was taking longer than usual, as if I didn’t already notice that. I would rather it tell me “Warning, I’m about to cut off and you are about to lose all of your work!” or maybe “This is the reason I am running slow today is: [insert reason].” Or how about telling me what is wrong with my Windows Media Player/ CD Drive. That would be really nice to know.

I’ll probably be writing often over the break because I have the time and there’s a lot I have to say I guess. Looking back at the semester is overwhelming. I survived the first semester away from home and I believe I passed all of my classes. And I didn’t die in my evaluation. Despite a few unexpected events in my personal life that carried over unfortunately into my school life, I’d say the semester went pretty darn well.

For next semester I have a few major things to work on. My voice needs a ton of work regarding support and placement…I am scared but I can worry about that later. And for me, I have to stop wanting to find the right answer because in theatre world, there isn’t a right answer. I’m working on being; just being. Mr. Tromsness says I’m like a gerbil. Yes, yes I am. Risk is my focus. Taking the risk and stop being so focused on getting it right. I hope I can do it!

And over the break I’ll be working on Shakespeare, a few packets Mr. Day gave out, and the biggie: Martin Luther King Jr. Andre De Shields is coming to work with us the week we come back on a project for MLK Day and Studio 3 actually gets to take part in it! I’m excited! They told us he was in The Wiz but I didn’t realize he was THE WIZ. I can say really like The Wiz but hey, it won a Tony for best musical and he was The Wiz. That’s pretty awesome.

So tonight I'm going to 2 christmas eve services! yay! one regular one and one midnight mass. i love christmas!

A lifetime movie?

So at the moment, I’m in the van, typing this on Word because there isn’t internet…duh. I’m going home finally. I went to the convent for the weekend. Sister Sol and Aunt Libby picked me up. I had so much stuff with me but whatever. It was nice to be at the convent. Sister Sol is babysitting a little girl who is 16 months old. I enjoyed teasing her, reminding her that I was the first baby to be brought up by Sister Sol. Apparently, Adelaide already is aware of this. Every time she goes into Sol’s room, she takes my picture off of the shelf and tries to run off with it. “Adelaide, I was first! I’m number ONE!!!”
As always, Sister Sol and I (and a sleeping Adelaide), watched a few movies on TV. We caught the middle of a Lifetime movie, I’m not sure of the title. I don’t know the plot very well partly because we came in at the middle and Sister Sol likes to switch the channels to check scores of games or other movies. Anyways, from what I gathered, the woman is looking for a new boyfriend or something through a radio contest. Her first husband died and she has son named Jonathan. I think the husband’s name is Bob. Bob’s ghost visits with Jonathan and they try to help the woman cope with Bob’s death. It was a really sweet story and I want to find out the rest of the story. But a movie review is not what I’m writing about. At one point in the movie, the woman wants to see Bob so badly and finally he appears to her. The scene between them was absolutely amazing. It was so fake, I mean its Lifetime, but I believed all of it. There was so much sincerity between those two people and suddenly I was crying. Over a Lifetime movie! It wasn’t a big sobbing cry but I was all teary and I don’t really understand how. That got me to thinking. I mean of course the past few weeks have been overwhelming to say the least, but why that moment in that movie? (Why this word now? Hehe)

The next day!
I was about to come to my conclusion but then we arrived at my house… Anyways, why am I crying over a Lifetime movie? [and I will now look up the movie and get the right names since I have internet] I see it this way: I’ve come to realize a few things about my recently ended relationship and it makes me really depressed. But at the same time I’m happy because I get to dream of my future Mr. Right while singing “I’ve Been Dreaming of a True Love’s Kiss” and making up my next relationship requirements which my Studio is totally aware of. So anyways, I’m watching this Lifetime movie and I realize that I want what that couple has. Complete sincerity, honesty. I look back at the past year and a half and I thought that I had it, but I really didn’t. I was honest and sincere on my end, but that was not what I was getting in return, especially towards the end. I’ve been so lost in wondering why I’ve been feeling so weird about the whole relationship and now I know and it’s a little sad, but so great at the same time. And like Sister Sol says, I should date 100 guys before I find the perfect one. Well, maybe I won’t date 100 guys, but I have a few things I don’t want in a guy now, and many things that I do want. I figure, if I have these I can cut down on at least 75 “eligible” guys without getting attached and having to break it off. Bahaha. Well the search for this movie has been unsuccessful… I can’t find the name of it. I’m sure it was on Lifetime… Oh well. It was a beautiful moment.

So I just made this

JESSIEH HELP ME!





I've made this all by myself. But i dont know how to be cool. So i can blog better later with the help of a really cool girl I know that has an awesome blog...



Because now i have exams to study for. Isnt that nice? No its not. Because precal is not my type of subject. And the english exam is going to be evil. oh yeah, french. ack. So basically I'm going to go nuts. All will be good. I'll just do some math and listen to Aida ((the broadway one)) or just do math because i cannot listen to musicals and study. And i can waste time by doing this. And working on stuff like singing because tomorrow is the last day. sad! Ok. im done. no introduction......



more later. some poetry of sorts. maybe even a funny story. haha. i have a secret...


and i really dont know how to navigate on here! oh well. i'm hitting publish post and i'll see what happens.